In theory, the pull-out method should be great.  He doesn’t have to wear a condom; he just pulls out right before he cums.  The problem is, the pull-out method has a lot of downfalls, including the fact that she can still get pregnant, and preventing pregnancy is usually why people think to use the pull-out method in the first place.  Why else would he want to pull out just before he cums?

How she can get pregnant

– accidents
Yes.  Accidents happen.  Even to you.  No matter how careful you are, there’s always the chance that something can go wrong.  He could pull out at the right time and accidentally get cum on her vagina.  Where there are fluids, sperm will swim and find a way in!

– control
He might get the timing wrong and pull out just a little too late.  Maybe he’s usually good at gauging exactly when he’s going to cum, but sometimes it can sneak up on him.

– pre-cum
Pre-cum, the natural lubricant, does carry sperm.  Sure, it’s not as concentrated as actual cum, but it is enough to increase the risk of pregnancy.  It’s like playing Russian Roulette: not worth it unless you are ready and willing to deal with the consequences.  Two good friends of mine had been using the pull out method for quite a while, and she got pregnant a few months before their wedding.  Luckily they were happy to be having a kid, although unexpected.  For most people, though, the surprise isn’t a good one.

Other things that suck

– dissatisfaction
When he pulls out, he has to jerk himself off the rest of the way, which is nowhere near as satisfying as getting to cum inside her.  It definitely can kill the mood for him.  And if you’re both good at cumming at the same time, then it’s really a bummer for her, too.

– no protection
There is nothing between him and her to protect them from any STDs or transferable infections.  So not only are you not actually preventing pregnancy, but you are also leaving the gates open for permanent diseases, too.

So what now?  There are many contraceptives out there that you can try.  In my next article, I will cover them.  Maybe you missed this part of sex ed. or you need a little refresher course of everything that’s out there.

If you can’t get a hold of contraceptives for some reason, do not have sex!  I hate to be a buzz kill, because sex can be a lot of fun.  However, unexpected pregnancy is pretty traumatic, and abortion (if it’s legal in your state) is a last alternative, only.

Not to worry – you can still have a lot of fun!  Check out Shuv’s Eating Not Beating Around the Bush articles – How to Suck Him Off and How to Eat Her Out and my Masturbate! article for some tips on how to spice things up without the risk.

I can’t think of anything more frustrating in a relationship than when your sweetie does something that really ticks you off or hurts your feelings, and then doesn’t get why you’re so upset.  S/he’s not a jerk for not understanding.  You’re just not effectively getting your point across.  Step back, take a breath, and consider the following suggestions.

Try to see the situation from your sweetie’s point of view.
No matter how mad you are, or how right you think you are, there are always two sides of every fight or disagreement.  Before you can effectively make your points and make sure your sweetie is understanding you, you first need to understand your sweetie.  Why do you think s/he really did whatever it was that upset you?  What are all of the possible reasons?  By understanding his or her point of view, you might also figure out why your point of view doesn’t make sense to your sweetie, or that your gripe plain old doesn’t make sense.

Try to approach your sweetie from a less emotional state.
It’s pretty hard to think straight when a person is yelling or crying at you while trying to tell you what’s up.  Your sweetie’s not going to understand what you’re really getting at, and will either go into a panic and shut down, or get pissed off and defensive shut down.  Granted, everyone is different.  Sometimes people need a bit of the dramatic to understand how strongly you feel about what you’re trying to tell them.  But for the most part, try to be a little calmer.  Be serious, not psychotic.

Don’t get physical.
This may be a “duh” statement for some of you, but getting physical is never going to get you anywhere.  This includes slapping, pinching, punching, and shoving, to name a few.  I’m saying this to the girls as well as the guys.  A slap on the cheek is way overused in the movies.  Just as a guy should never hit a girl, a girl should never hit a guy unless it is in self defense and there is no other option.  (And as a side note, never knee a guy in the balls unless he’s attacking you!!)

Don’t abuse, either.
Pushing or hitting aren’t the only abusive things you can do.  Refrain from name calling and verbal abuse, too.

The dreaded “Honey, we need to talk“.
Five of the scariest words a person can hear.  If you’re trying to get your sweetie to shut down in a panic or in defense, this is the best way to do it!

Have good timing.
Don’t try to bring up an important conversation at a party or in front of friends or family. Again, your sweetie is going to focus on how inappropriate and uncool the move is, rather than on what you’re trying to tell him or her.  Instead, remember what you’re upset about and bring it up when you two can be alone and have some privacy.  That way you can have your sweetie’s attention, and you won’t have to worry about him or her resenting you.  If you have trouble remembering exact details (say you’re drinking at said party), write it down and bring it up later when you are sober and not as upset.

Don’t point fingers or focus too much on the negative.
Chewing someone out for everything you did wrong is the perfect recipe for resentment and defensiveness.  While you will need to bring up what it was that upset you, try to spend more time…

Focusing on the positive.
Give your sweetie praise for the things done right.  Use phrases like, “I love it when you ___” or “It is so awesome when you ___”.  Focusing on the positive will make your sweetie feel less attacked and more motivated to do the things that work better for you.

Use “I feel” statements.
You can’t always assume that your sweetie actually meant for you to take something a certain way.  Maybe s/he really thought you would like that one joke, and was stunned when you got upset.  Telling people that they did something on purpose will only make them defensive, and they will stop listening or caring about what you’re trying to say.  Instead, use phrases like “When you did ___ it made me feel ___” or “I don’t know if you meant it this way, but when you do ___ it makes me feel ___” or “I felt that you were trying to ___ when you did ___” Phrasing things this way minimizes blame and reduces the chances that your sweetie will feel like you’re just on the attack.

Stay away from generalities.
Such as “always”, “never”, and “every time”.  Can you truly say that your sweetie absolutely never does ___ or always does ___?  You sure s/he hasn’t done something differently at least once?  These are not specific examples, and are too general.  Instead, use the “I feel” statements and give specific examples of what bothers you, so your sweetie can really understand what you’re getting at.  The “always” and “never” are only good to use when they are actually true, and best when not used to point fingers.  For example, one that I use all the time with my fiancee is “When you tell me racist jokes, it ALWAYS makes me mad, so please don’t do it.  Tell them to someone else.”

Don’t expect to change the person completely.
Notice how in my last example I didn’t expect my fiancee to stop telling racist jokes completely?  I can only expect him to change his behavior for me and our relationship.  I can’t expect him to change how he interacts with other people, unless, say, it has to do with him trying to feel me up in front of my dad.  If your whole relationship is being spent on changing who your sweetie is, then you’re obviously not with the right person.  People shape themselves into their own molds, not yours.  You’ll just have to go out and search for the person who fits closest to what you want, rather than trying to make your ideal person.

Be willing to compromise.
Because you can’t truly change who a person is, you can’t expect your sweetie to do exactly what you want, either.  If you disagree, then you desperately need to read Are You a Doormat?, because either you are a doormat or your sweetie is trying to make you into one.

Expect constructive criticism.
You didn’t think you were perfect, did you?  Nobody is.  Maybe your sweetie did a certain something that upset you in response to something you did that upset him or her.  Be ready for your sweetie to bring up some of his or her issues, too.  Now, if your sweetie has brought something up because s/he is feeling defensive, you may want to back off and bring up the topic later.  Or you can say that you are willing to talk about that after you have finished what you are trying to say.  Relationships should never go one way.  If you are going to dish it out, be ready to take it, too.

Give your sweetie time to process.
While you may have had plenty of time to think about the problem, your sweetie probably hasn’t.  A lot of people aren’t able to think on their feet when it comes to disagreements or matters of the heart, so be ready to give your sweetie time to process and come back with a rebuttal.  Make sure, though, that you tell your sweetie that this is important to you, and try to set up a time to talk things over again.

[For more helpful techniques on communicating effectively, read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.  I can't link to this book enough.  Seriously, go to the library and pick up a copy to browse through.  His writing style takes a little getting used to, but his points are so awesome and they work.]

First off, if he is willing to go down on you, it is only fair that you return the favor. Being a good partner in bed means giving as well as receiving, and the better you are at giving the happier your partner will be.

Never Enough Slobber
When it comes to mouth on cock there is never too much slobber. The more lubrication that your mouth produces, the more there is to help the hand slide easily. If you’re rubbing against a slightly wet but mostly dry cock, you’ll end up hurting him and losing his hard on fast. Don’t worry about being messy or making slurping sounds (most guys like the sounds) – treat the cock like a lollipop and slurp away.

Lend a Hand
A blow job isn’t just about the mouth, it is also about the hand. Once the cock has enough lubrication on it, bring a hand into the action. Don’t put the hand down at the base of the cock. Instead treat the hand like an extension of the mouth, putting it right up against your lips. The idea is to extend your mouth and provide extra sensation. Again, I cannot stress enough, make sure the hand is well lubricated with saliva and slips easily along the cock.

Though the hand is good, remember to occasionally remove it so that the guy can get a nice view of just the mouth on the cock. A big turn on for guys is to see the action, which brings me to my next point…

Eye contact
When you give head try to make eye contact. It is hot.

Make him feel big
It is okay to take so much of the cock into your mouth that you choke a little. You don’t want to be doing this all the time as choking sucks and will ruin the rhythm, but it is a great thing to do to make him feel massive. There is nothing wrong with a little ego stroking.

Play with the balls
There is still one free hand left! It is time to play with his balls. Every guy is different on this one, so make sure to ask him how he likes them played with. Don’t just grab them out of the blue.

Let him feel your body
Especially if you’re a chick and he’s a boob guy. Press your boobs up against his legs or balls while you are sucking him off. If you’re topless (which is best), let your nipples graze against his skin.

Positions
The position that you’re in can be a huge turn on for him. If he is standing or sitting in a chair, kneeling on the ground is optimal. If he is lying down try arching your back and sticking your butt up in the air. You can also try having him lie on his back while you suck his cock with your butt facing him. This is great if he likes his cock pointing more toward his belly, and it is a lot easier for him to feel up your body.

Ask about the angle
Different guys have different preferences for what angle their penis is held at. Some like it pushed down towards their knees as the tension is preferable where as others don’t like it at all. Check in and see if he has a preference.

Finger in the…
This is one of the few things you can do that you shouldn’t ask verbal permission for first. Clearly, if you both are gay, that isn’t going to be a problem, but a lot of straight boys will not give permission for that finger to go up their ass because they’re afraid and silly. So while giving head feel free to slowly massage the outside of the anus, warming it up. Give him plenty of time to stop you (just because you aren’t asking explicit permission doesn’t mean you should go rape his ass) and if he doesn’t, slowly, gently and with lubrication work that finger in.

No teeth (unless requested)
This one is pretty self explanatory. Make sure your lips cover your teeth so you don’t graze him on accident. Some guys like a little nibble here and there, but stick to the assumption that absolutely no teeth should be involved unless he requests otherwise. Also, you have a tongue, use it. Experiment and ask to find out what works best for him.

Deep Throat
Only do it if you can. Puking is a no no. Getting deep throated is a big fantasy for some guys, so if you want to try to do it practice first. Take your fingers and slowly practice. Keep your throat straight and relax as if you are yawning. When you get to the point where you’re ready to try it with an actual cock set up a safe gesture (like a safe word but one you don’t have to speak) and find a position that allows your throat to be as straight as possible. Lying on your back on the bed with your head hanging over the edge works (be careful as you won’t have much control and could suffocate), so does bending the penis down and looking way up at the guy. Make eye contact and make it slow and dramatic. You don’t want to deep throat the entire time, mainly because it is almost impossible to breath, so make to take breathing breaks and go back to normal head to get him off. [Edit: Please take a look at the comment our reader Ron left if you are interested in deep throating - it is very detailed.]

Spit, swallow, or…
You’re going to have to figure out what works for you. Just remember, spitting it out or swallowing aren’t your only options. If you can handle it you can always let him finish on your chest, or if you are really comfortable with it, in your face. You can also have him finish on himself if he is lying down or in a chair, or into a rag or towel you have nearby. Clearly he is going to be most interested in finishing on or in you, but you really should do what is most comfortable for you.

Also remember that giving a guy head doesn’t have to lead to finishing. It can also be used as foreplay, especially if he is a fellow that has a little bit of trouble getting started.

Be into it
The absolute most important thing about giving head is being into it. If you don’t give a rat’s ass it will show and make the experience much less satisfying. Being enthusiastic and into it will make it very exciting for him. Moan every once in a while to show you’re enjoying his feel and taste. Don’t fake it though! If you’re truly into giving head your enjoyment will show through and make the experience over the top for him.

[Related: Eating, Not Beating, Around the Bush - Part 1 - How to Eat Her Out]

So now you’ve built your confidence and brushed up your conversation techniques, but where do you apply these skills? We’ve seen a lot of the same question: I’m ready, but where do I actually meet people?

Clubs and Common Interest Groups
Join a club or some group that meets up regularly about something you’re interested in, like photography, music, books, etc.. You’re going to meet people you share a hobby with, which is already a great conversation starter. You can find groups using sites such as…

Meet-up
Some online sites, like Meet-up, list opportunities for people with common interests to meet up about things such as hiking, geekdom, books, cooking, and pets, just to name a few.

Online Dating Sites
There are a million online dating sites out there. Though free sites are great – you might try OKCupid – you do get what you pay for. Consider going to a paying site like eHarmony or Match if you want to find people who are serious enough about finding a significant other to pay for it. I have two different family members – a mother in law and a cousin – who met their spouses through dating websites. The great thing about these sites is there’s no doubt about why you’re there – you want to meet someone you can date. Check out Shuv’s articles on how to create an appealing online profile or send an interesting first message.

Out and About
You just never know who you might see at the grocery store, the bank, or the laundromat. My favorite places to chat up people are in the produce section when I’m hemming and hawing about which avocado is actually going to ripen the soonest, and also the check out line. Heck, you might even flirt with the bagger or the cashier. If you are too shy to start conversations with strangers in public, you can observe how other people do it and copy. You can also read my article How to Start a Conersation or pick up the book How to Win Friends and Influence People..

On a side note, servers at restaurants aren’t your best bet. As a former waitress, I can tell you first hand that they get hit on a lot. I don’t know about the guys, but the girls definitely do. If you hit on a server, you’d better be good, otherwise she’s just going to think you’re another one of those guys, expect a big tip if she flirts back, and not ever plan on giving you her number.

Library
If you like learning or reading, libraries are a great way to meet people. Check out your local library and see if they have any book groups or events taking place. You might just meet that person who’s as in love with vampires, dragons, or robots as you are.

Church
Yes, I said church. A lot of people think that churches are stuffy and serious, but they don’t have to be. Case in point, I went to a beer festival in my area recently, and I bumped into four different people from my church there! Granted, my church is a little more liberal than some, but don’t be afraid to see about hanging out with that cute guy or gal from your church, if you go to one. Don’t, though, go to church just to find someone to hook up with if you’re not actually interested in the church thing. You could easily find yourself in some hot water for putting up such a false pretense.

Weddings
What I love about weddings is that you don’t have to worry so much about the weirdos and the sex offenders at weddings, because everyone who’s there was directly invited by the couple getting married. People have already been screened. If you like the bride and/or groom at all, then odds are you’ll like their friends, and potentially their family. Go ahead and chat away, or dance with that cute person over there.

Classes and Study Groups
If you’re taking classes, you’re in luck, because you see the same people on a regular basis. It can be hard to get to know people in your class, since you’re either trying to pay attention or falling asleep. There’s not a lot of time for talking. A great way to get to know people better is to form a study group for that midterm coming up. Invite a few people you think might be interested in coming, and meet up somewhere where you can get some studying done, but where you can hang out and chat, too. Nice places to meet are coffee houses, a nice lawn somewhere, in the meeting area of a dorm, or even in your dorm room, apartment, or house. The study groups I always formed were a lot of fun – we spent about half the time having fun, yet still managed to prepare for the hard test coming up or figure out those really hard calculus problems.

Friends’ Parties
Have your friends throw a party and invite their single friends. If you don’t have friends that know any single people, go out to group meetups and make new ones! Even if you don’t find the love of your life in a grocery store or a book club, you might meet their best friend who will be willing to introduce you.

Clubs and Bars
Clubs and bars are excellent social hubs. Just remember that they – especially bars – tend to bring a certain crowd. If you’re not into the bar or club scene, then you may be starting off with one less thing in common with the people you may meet there. For those of you who want to try out your moves on a girl on the dance floor, check out Shuv’s article How to Approach a Dancing Diva.

If you seem to be hitting it off, don’t be afraid to ask for the person’s contact information: an email, a screen name, a cell phone number, even a Facebook or MySpace add. After all, what’s the worst that could happen? The person would say no, and that’s that. Just remember that no usually means no, unless the person is obviously joking around with you. Despite the fact that a lot of dating advice tells you to keep trying until you get a yes, don’t do it! This can be really creepy and considered harassment, especially if the one you’re pestering is female.

Guys generally like porn. They stash nudie magazines under their bed when they are kids and then end up doing the same thing when they’re married. But why? Porn isn’t made for women. Porn caters to the fantasies of men more often than it does to the fantasies of women. Even so-called “lesbian” porn is made for men to get off to, not women. Now of course there are some women out there who are just rabid about porn and bring it up in every classroom discussion (you know who you are), but most men aren’t going to end up married to an outlier.

Case Study 0: He doesn’t love me because he looks at porn!

Many women have been raised to believe that men watch porn because they don’t find their wives/girlfriends attractive and that they’d rather be having wild sex with someone else. However, this doesn’t have to be a relationship ending problem. It is important to understand that not everyone has the same beliefs, and a lot of people end up stuck with a little bit of crazy.

Solution: Have her take a look at our article “Men Look At Porn. Deal With It.” Make sure you let her know that porn isn’t about not loving her, it is about getting off when she has a “headache” or is “too tired”. If she doesn’t understand, then it might be time to try some gentle couple’s therapy with a non-conservative therapist.

Case Study 1: Ew. Porn is gross.

You can’t really argue with this one. From the perspective of someone who likes an all natural body, porn stars look shaved, plastic, implanted and fake, which to some people is kind of gross. Even so called “lesbian” porn is a spectacle, filled with painted women with extremely long fingernails. (See our article “Eating, Not Beating, Around the Bush” for my opinion on fingernails).

Another gross thing about porn is the fact that porn is about the man in the video getting off, not the woman. It is very rare to find a porn that is about getting the woman off. It is usually all about getting off to or on her. Having an unexcited woman fake a continual orgasm can be quite a turn off.

Solution: If you trust each other enough, now might be the time to make some home movies that you can pull out and watch together later. Another option is wading through the massive amount of porn on the internet until you find home made porn by other couples. If she thinks porn is gross because it is fake, then go find some porn where it is all about making the all natural woman cum instead of just getting cum in her face.

Case Study 2: It is all about degrading women!

There isn’t any way around this one. Porn is about degrading women. There are very few porns that are actually made for women, or about women having a good time. If your sweetheart hates porn because she thinks porn uses and abuses women, then you can’t really argue and you can’t try to get her interested in your favorite face shot porns. You can only adapt.

Solution: See Case Study 1’s solution. Also, let your woman tie you up and dominate you in the home video so that she can’t argue that your home video porn is about degrading her. You also might want to take a look at our article “What You Shouldn’t Learn from Porn” to avoid pitfalls in the bedroom.

Case Study 3: Omg, porn turns me on!

Why are you reading this article? Shut up and enjoy watching porn together you lucky bastard.

So you’ve been working on your confidence since last Wednesday’s article, right? Now if only you had something to talk about. The following are some great ways to get a person to start talking. Keep in mind that people love to talk about themselves and what is important to them. If you can get people talking – and truly be interested in what they’re saying – you will definitely stand out among the crowd.

Observe
First off, spend a few seconds observing the person you want to talk to. You don’t want to get caught staring or gawking, but make a quick assessment. Is there anything interesting s/he is wearing or holding that you might like to know about? Ask the person why s/he chose that object, or mention how you have a connection to or interest in it.

For example:
“I see you’re wearing a Seahawk’s jersey, did you catch the game last night?”
“I have that exact same Hello Kitty watch! Where did you get yours?”

Warning:
If s/he is reading a book, listening to an iPod or on a computer, s/he might not be interested in being approached. If the response is cold, or you are ignored completely, be respectful and try elsewhere.

Find a topic in your situation
Make a comment about the current situation you are both in. Maybe you two are in the produce section of the grocery store, and the person happens to pick up the same type of apple you like to eat. Maybe you’re stuck at a boring meeting or lecture, and the other person seems to be bored, too.

For example:
“Don’t you hate waiting in lines?”

Compliment
Even better, compliment the person. Now, this is not the time to whip out a cheesy pick up line or to talk about how hot you think a certain body part turns you on. It’s also not the time to give a backhanded compliment, either, unless you are certain of your skills as a pickup artist – and in that case, why are you reading this?. What you want to do is find something you truly, honestly appreciate about the other person and let him or her know. Sincerity comes through.

Warning:
Telling a beautiful woman or man that you find them attractive is not a good come on unless that person is extremely insecure. You are trying to showcase your own good nature and attractiveness, not tell them why you think they are your soul mate.

Another great way to compliment people is to make them feel knowledgeable or like they’re an expert on something. Ask the person for his or her advice on something, or how to do something – preferably ask a question you don’t really know the answer to. The idea is to give the other person a chance to showcase his or her knowledge or talents and to get him or her talking.

Recent news
Finally, if you can’t think of anything you two might have in common to talk about, you can try bringing up something that has happened recently in the news, or on TV. Politics can be a touchy subject, so tread carefully.

Overall
No matter how you start the conversation, remember to keep it lightweight, confident and funny. Dropping head first into heavy conversations like religion or abortion will only work if the other person is on the exact same page as you. You also don’t want to be over eager. Try to find that relaxed confident person inside you and you’ll bring out the chatty cathy in almost anyone.

For more ways to attract people by improving your already wonderful personality, I highly recommend Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

“How do you let someone who’s messaged you down nicely if you’re just not that interested? They took the time to -try- to write an interesting message, but… well… Their profile and pictures aren’t exactly titillating either.”

- Katie

Too many people just ignore thoughtful messages instead of returning a polite “no thanks”. Being ignored sucks. It is nice to hear back, especially if you let them know that their message was good.

First off, let them know that you liked their message and you think that more people should spend time writing thoughtful messages. This is very important because you don’t want to discourage them from spending time trying to write a decent message. You need to let them know immediately afterward that you don’t feel that you are compatible.

If there’s something specific that turned you off that they can improve on, such as greasy hair in a picture, let them know. Just make sure you do it in a gentle way. Cushion every negative with a positive beforehand. If you don’t want to get too nit picky or insulting, you can always link them to our article on improving your profile.

If you really can’t think of how to phrase things, I’ve written a message you can copy, paste and modify to fit the situation:

Thanks for the message!

Out of the hoards of one liners, a well thought through message really stands out. However, despite how much I appreciate your message I don’t feel any compatibility between us. Keep up the great messages and you’ll eventually find someone you resonate with. If you want some help upping your chances you should check out this article.

Best of luck!

Trying to work up the courage to finally get to that mixer or to say hello to the next cute person you see? Follow some of these tips and you might find yourself more motivated and confident.

Play with a pet. For me at least, nothing makes me feel more loved and wonderful than a dog. They’re just so happy to see you all the time, no matter what. And they love cuddles. Cats are great, too, but they’re not always happy to see you. Sleep is usually more appealing than a body massage for them. Whatever it is, go play or cuddle with a pet for a while. They’re great pick me ups!

Exercise. Seems to be the answer for everything, doesn’t it? Exercise boosts your endorphins, which makes you feel good. When you feel good, you feel more confident. Also, the more you exercise, the more you’ll notice your body trimming up, and the more sexy you’ll feel. Shuv and I cannot emphasize enough how important and awesome exercise is. Even if you hate it, do it anyway. The results are worth so much more than spending 20 to 40 minutes on something you’re not so excited about. For other things exercise is good for, check out Shuv’s article The Top Five Reasons Exercise is Good for Relationships.

Eat better. Just as exercise increases your endorphins, food can as well. However, while food can make you physically feel better, certain foods can make you spiral down off of your food high very quickly and make you sluggish and moody. Fatty foods (like a greasy hamburger, cheesecake, quadruple cheese and all the meat you can find pizza), as well as foods high in simple sugars (cookies, pie, chips, etc.) are all horrible for confidence. Instead of junk food, try something healthy, like an apple or a grilled chicken breast. Flushing out all the bad stuff you’ve been putting into your body will improve your mood. Plus, you might also feel less guilty by making that healthier choice. Double the benefit!

Squash the ANTs. “ANT”s, a term coined by Dr. Daniel G. Amen, stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. ANTs are those little thoughts in the back of your head telling you you’re not good enough, or that you’re not attractive enough, for example. You can squash these ANTs by talking back to them. The best way to do this is to write them down. Then really think about if those thoughts are actually true. They’re usually dead wrong. Of course you’re good enough. You have some awesome quirks about you that make you special and definitely worth getting to know. And maybe you’re not a super model or a Calvin Klein model, but you’re still not too shabby. Write down these reasons why the ANTs are wrong. Odds are that same pesky ANT is going to revisit you a few times, so save your ammunition! For more on this and other tips to make your brain work for you instead of against you, check out one of my favorite books ever: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.

Visualize. Before you go on a date or a social get together where you might find people you’re interested in, imagine the scenario you are about to face (impressing someone) going spectacularly. Imagine all the ways it can go well and none of the ways you can fail. Focusing on how you can succeed helps you psych yourself into succeeding. Focusing on failing will only make you more likely to fail.

Compliment yourself. Write out a list of things that make you awesome and worth it. Put the list somewhere where you will see it often. Better yet, write everything on post-it notes. If you are having trouble thinking of something, start with things you are good at, even if you think it’s something small. What comes easily to you is probably extremely difficult for someone else. If you’re still having trouble thinking of things, call a friend or family member. Sounds like you might need a pep talk on life.

Socialize. Call up a good friend or a few of them and hang out. If you have good friends, they will be able to give you that pick me up you need. Good friends make you feel better about yourself and show you that you actually are a fun person to get to know. They will also encourage you to do those things you’ve been anxious about doing, like being more active in your search for Mr. or Ms. perfect.

Meditate. People don’t only use meditation to try to solve the mysteries of life or to get closer to God. Meditation is a very good way to center yourself, to ground yourself, and to try to wipe away all of those pestering little worries and anxieties you may have. You can also use meditation to focus on your goal: to be more talkative, to have confidence, and to be friendly. If you don’t know how, think of it almost like taking a short nap. Lie on your back, close your eyes, and spend 10 to 20 minutes taking deep breaths and thinking about relaxing your muscles letting your mind wander.

Write in a journal. Journals are a place to write down things that are running through your head so you can sort through them better. Maybe after you’ve written a few pages you’ll start to get a handle on the root of your low self esteem and your confidence issues. Recognizing where it’s all coming from is the first step to gaining your confidence back. Don’t worry about what you write or how you write it. Let your brain run loose and have your pen do all the work. Your journal is only for your eyes anyway.

Improve your social skills. Improving your social skills will help you be more confident when interacting with people. It will also improve your relationships with friends, coworkers, and acquaintances, and make life all around more enjoyable. One of the best books that I’ve ever read on this is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People. In it he lines out what really makes people tick, and more importantly, how to make them like you more.

Stay up to date on current events. Pop culture and the news are great ice breakers. If you are having trouble thinking of something to talk about, bring up some current event that you think the person you’re talking to (or want to talk to) might have something to say about. Just remember not to come off as cocky and condescending. That’s one of the biggest turn offs for most people.

Masturbate. Before you go to a social event or go out to try to find people to get to know, take care of yourself. Get out the lotion and Kleenex or your favorite vibrator and have some fun. This will help you gain confidence by helping you relax. It will also help you to keep your mind off of how hot the person is or how horny you are, and instead focus on the main goal: talking and getting to know the person. For more on masturbation, and especially how it can be good for romantic relationships, read my article Masturbate!.

If you’re reading our articles because you are lonely or just plain old sexually frustrated, you’re not the only one feeling this way. We’ve been answering questions on online sites such as Reddit. Here are a few of the questions and the answers we provided with our SandMDating username.

Exhausted from searching for a meaningful relationship and validation

Long story short. I haven’t had a date in nearly five years. My last meaningful relationship was when I was 18. Primarly, the problem was my obesity, but over the last two years, I’ve lost 147 pounds (357 – 147 = 210). Obviously, I’m a shell of my former self.

There have been mass benefits to my weight loss: self-confidence, self-belief, a new composure about myself when walking, talking, etc. However, over the last six-to-eight months, my only goal in life has been to date and to have a meaningful relationship. I feel like I’m seeking confirmation on my new appearance (which I know is a wrong perspective to take on relationships) but I’m also searching for a deeper purpose and meaning to my life and for some reason, my hang up is that a romantic relationship with someone is the key to that. At my current weight, I’ve been told by friends and family that my level of physical attractiveness is above average, so I don’t feel like that is a problem.

However, there’s been nothing. No dates, no phone numbers, nothing. Only me looking helplessly around me at all the beautiful women in the world and none seem to have a bit of interest in me. Truthfully, I don’t know ANY girls/women. What am I doing wrong?

Looking for validation in someone else is a terrible idea, as I think you already know.

However I don’t agree with the advice that you should stop looking and wait for something to come to you. Sure, meaningful relationships just happen to you, but frankly, there is nothing wrong with trying to have an active dating life until that happens. Let me ask you this – did you lose weight by just sitting there and waiting for it to happen? I’m guessing that isn’t the case. I’m willing to bet that you lost that weight by getting up and doing something about it.

How are you going about meeting women? Are you asking them out in person or going on dating sites? If you are doing the dating site thing, here are two articles that might help:

How to Improve Your Online Dating Profile

How to Get a Response to Your Online Dating Message

Truthfully, I don’t know ANY girls/women.

Then go out and meet them! Join groups on meetup.com or sites like that. If you participate in clubs, you are going to meet women with similar interests. There are also plenty of singles meetup groups and mixers happening all the time. All you have to do is go to them, be friendly, and you’ll meet women.

Also, you mentioned you are in school. Classes are another great way to meet people. You don’t have to be studious to want to create or join a study group. The perks are not only figuring out the answer to number two on the worksheet, but also getting to know people in your class. Use it as an opportunity to make friends. If you don’t meet a woman you’re interested in in your class, odds are the friends you make there might know someone that would work for you.

Libido Mismatch

If someone could offer me some advice about how I should handle this, I would be eternally grateful. I’m a male, both me and my girlfriend are in our early/mid twenties, have been together for a little over a year, and I have an issue: our libido’s are completely mismatched. Because of some travel barriers, I see her once every week (I usually stay over for the night or vice versa). I’m one to want sex a couple times a day, every day, no problem. Her, on the other hand, nevergets horny unless we get into close physical contact and work her way into it. Hence, I’m always one to initiate our playtime. Furthermore, there are weeks where we just don’t even do anything remotely sexual, due to her apathy, and it drives me nuts (blue); there’s only a small window in the week to get intimate, and it doesn’t happen. Then other weeks, it’s four times in a weekend.

What should my expectations be, here? Can I ask her to give me a hand when I’m feeling sexually frustrated? It feels completely selfish, but on the other hand, I feel that maybe she should want to please me. Self-abuse is the obviously a possibly solution, however, I’m very uncomfortable with doing it when she’s around. Maybe I need to get her hooked on romance novels to get her in the mood? Should I just live with it?

Been there, done that, from both sides of the coin. I’ve had the greater libido and the lesser one. This is a relationship deal breaker. If you can’t find a happy medium, the frustration is just going to build, she is going to feel pressured and unhappy, and the relationship will come to an end.

It is very important that you communicate how you are feeling to her in a non-accusatory fashion. Just because she isn’t interested in sex doesn’t mean you can’t have fun, just not direct intercourse unless she gets warmed up enough. An easy, no pressure way for her to participate is to let you jack off on her, using her butt cheeks can be nice if you like butts. She can also lend a hand, or a mouth – but make sure she isn’t feeling pressured into it. Feeling pressured will kill the fun and make her feel like you are just using her to get off, something you want to avoid at all costs. Positive reinforcement is a must. Lavish her with affection when she helps you get off and make her feel like the hottest, most loved, wonderful woman on the planet. The more positive reinforcement she gets, the more she’ll want to help out the next time. Same goes for sex. Positive reinforcement all the way.

This really will only work if she can be convinced of how important it is for you two to work together to find a medium that makes you both happy.

My penis is too big for my girlfriend

I’d say I’m nothing special, maybe a bit bigger than average (still have to wear magnums though) but she is also a petite girl. We’ve tried to have sex about twice so far. The first time she had to stop after a minute because it hurt too much. The second time I bought some KY and she was on top, but still had to stop after about two minutes. We’re both in college and somewhat experienced. She says she never had this problem before, and neither did I. What should we do?

First off, you need to make sure she is as revved up and excited as possible before you go in. The vagina expands more and can take more when it is in a state of “omg gimmie cock now”. Prepping with fingers can be good, but again, nothing goes in until she is wet and ready to go. To do this you want to start out by eating her out properly until she is almost ready to cum, add a little extra lube (she should already be wet if you are doing it right) to the mix and then go for it.

Once the penis is in on the action you need to keep her excited by making sure her clit is getting proper stimulation. Angle so you’re hitting it, use your hands or have her use hers, just make sure you are doing it the way she wants (by getting her to show you, tell you, etc). Don’t forget to also keep her body engaged by stroking her, neck kissing, nipple teasing, etc while you are at it. The more stimulation she has the less she’ll stress and focus on her vagina. Her being tense and worried will cause her vagina to clench up and become even smaller. Trust me, I’ve been chased up a table by kid sized gyno clamps, if she is tense nothing will go in easily.

It may seem like a lot of balls to juggle but you can make it work if you keep at it, communicate well during sex, and don’t get frustrated. Staying positive is essential if you want her to not give up on the idea completely.

With all the options available on internet dating, it can be hard to get a response from the people you find interesting. Writing a crappy first message will almost guarantee no response. Though nothing can guarantee they will be interested, there are a few things you can do to improve your chances.

Write

One sentence messages == lame. You’re basically relying on your pictures and profile to draw someone in if you only send one or two sentences. Thing is, people on online dating sites get a lot of messages, and a one sentence message tells them that you’re just a spammer and not interested enough to put the time in to write a decent length personalized message.

But what if you put all that time into it and don’t get a response? You’ve still increased your chance that you might. A few well written messages (punctuation and grammar included) have a better chance of succeeding than dozens of one liners.

However, just because your message is thoughtful and personalized doesn’t mean it needs to be an essay. Keep it long enough to show some personality and insight, but short enough so that you don’t spend several hours writing it, and your love interests don’t spend several hours reading it.

Sell Yourself, Not Them

When writing your messages to love interests, avoid talking about how beautiful, wonderful and interesting they are. They already know you think they’re awesome, otherwise why would you be sending them messages? What they want to know isn’t how wonderful you think they are, but what makes you an equally cool and interesting person.

Have the Best Possible Profile

A message can only go so far. After that your profile has to do the rest to convince him or her (or hir) to write you back. My previous article “How to Improve Your Online Dating Profile” has some tips that can help.

Be Yourself

If you want to find someone who wants you for who you are, then you have to put yourself out there. Write like you speak, just with better grammar and punctuation. If you have trouble doing that, and your messages all come out stilted and formal, then read it out loud.

If you aren’t sure what to write, then think about what made you want to write him or her in the first place. What was your initial reaction to the profile? What called to you and made you think that you two have anything in common? Talk about specific things that you also find interesting, whether it is a favorite TV show or the fact that you both believe in aliens.

Pay Attention to the Data

I’m just one person giving advice that hopefully will help you. Luckily for you, there is an actual study on what you should say in your first message. Take a look.